Life Harvester 36: February 2023 as December 2021, Astrology as Personal Ads

DECEMBERISM
SOOO it’s actually February 2023 and I’m finally assembling the December 2021 issue, which was all written and ready (save for this intro) by January 2022, only a month behind schedule instead of a year. The problem was that I hadn’t yet assembled or printed the also completed October and November issues and I had to do that first because of my partially broken brain. And then you know what happened? I got Covid, which fully broke my brain. So to quote (verbatim and in its entirety) the small apology note sent along with issue 14 of Chris Richard’s phenomenal quarterly Debussy Ringtone– 

LIFE HAS BEEN HARD. YOU HAVE BEEN PATIENT. Please accept my deepest apologies for the delays in getting this zine/these zines to your mailbox. It’s been a very difficult time, but things are looking up now.

I had originally planned to get this issue out sometime last year, but that clearly didn’t happen. I had originally attributed my lack of drive to self publish to my long covid brain fog, which included a still-lingering experience of aphasia, the medical term for when a person can’t recall words they already know, and a word I had to look up just now, probably for the 80th time. 

But then earlier this year I had a conversation with my friend Swampy that reframed things a little. He’s a multimedia visual artist, fairly well known for one of his ongoing projects, Swampy’s Diary, a series of video montages chronicling his life. They’re beautiful, funny, sometimes sad, but never sappy. 

While we were eating dinner I commented that he hadn’t put one out in a while and joked that he also had covid-induced laziness. “I just think the things I’ve been doing lately aren’t for everyone to see,” he told me. “Not that they’re boring or wouldn’t make good art, but they’re mine. Not for sharing.”

And that’s kind of where I’m at now with last year, the Lost Year of Life Harvester. While I was genuinely facing cognitive obstacles, I also just didn’t feel like what I was doing was any of your business, reader, much as I may love you. 

But I’m finally putting this issue out, and with it Life Harvester returns. In order to stay gentle with myself we’ll be on a bimonthly print schedule, so 6 issues this year instead of 12. Maybe it’ll stay that way or maybe I’ll make more again. Who knows? Like the Rancid song says, “the future is unwritten.

But on to this issue! Which consists entirely of 2022 horoscopes written by my friend Ember Small. I had been hoping to publish them as a very pertinent prelude to a year, but instead feel free to read them and ruminate on the year you’ve just had, an equally enriching endeavor. 

THE ASTROLOGY OF 2022 AS PERSONAL AD
Kinky, covidy, cummunity; the U.S. Pluto return; Qanon, cults, and the sexual spectrum.
No cops for president, no presidents, pleasure is political, abolition is inevitable.

2022 is an astrologically fascinating and intense year. We are experiencing a blessed return of Jupiter in Pisces, where Jupiter loves to be, bringing everything wet, flooded, and emotionally empowered. Everything is a spectrum and Jupiter in Pisces is divinely inspired altruism vs. delusional infused extremism (this is especially true because of Jupiters co-presence with Neptune, the planet of mass delusion)

While this influence is epically blissed out, it can be experienced as a waterfall. Or, when it rains it pours. With Jupiter in Pisces we (astrologers) speak to themes of safe sex, it’s a wet and wild placement, but also charity and being connected to something bigger than oneself. Be it religion, spirituality, or a confabulated cult like Qanon, the common link is connection.

To experience what it means to be all one, divinely connected by source consciousness, even when the world doesn’t reflect utopia. How does loving on one another unconditionally, enhance our sensitivity to profound heartbreak? And what does this big love require to survive it? Connection.

Luckily we are working with Saturn in Aquarius. Yes I am saying we are lucky to have Saturn, sky daddy, punisher, reaper, in the community oriented sign of Aquarius, and this is because we learn about our needs with Saturn. Not our soft, sensitive, emotional needs (that’s the moon) but our structural, foundational needs that comprise our generational roles. We learn where we fit in society with Saturn, and in Aquarius we learn who our people are, through good and bad. Saturn teaches us that everything is work, it all counts, and that even our perceived failures can be utilized towards learning our lessons.

We start off the year with Mercury (planet of communication), and Venus (planet of relationships) going retrograde, which means they appear to be going backwards in the sky.

Happening alongside Pluto (in the sign Capricorn since 2008), we see these retrogrades creating a more personal narrative around transformation in and within our relationships.

Pluto myth speaks to death and renewal, the Phoenix that is born out of fiery ashes.

In Capricorn we see themes of the intensity of financial corporate institutions, and our impending war with these enemies of our survival.

Capricorn is the sign that represents our set in stone structures, and with Pluto ending out its 15 year stay next year, we are participating and witnessing a reckoning of global wealth and the extraction of resources, namely humans (prison industrial complex)

Pluto takes about 248 years to orbit the Sun, which is about the age of the United States. This means that Pluto has returned to the same exact place it was when the united states declared itself a country. These larger themes of what capital is actually built upon in America, a history of genocide, and enslavement, are Plutonian in nature. Not only has the stolen labor of enslavement never been paid back in the form of reparations, but the conversation is still deemed taboo and out of the question, even to some of the more progressive or leftist politicians. 

And so with Plutos return, to the place it was the day the declaration of independence was written, by people who literally “owned” other humans beings, may we see some form of engagement with what it means to own things on stolen land, and to profit off the continued extraction of people as resources (see The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration In The Age of Colorblindness, by Michelle Alexander).

In astrology your rising sign, also called your ascendant, starts off the circle of your natal chart. Meaning that your rising sign determines the placements of all your planets and houses in your natal chart. All horoscopes that are written are done based off your rising sign. 

Horoscopes are an interpretation of the transiting planets (where the planets are in the zodiac currently) compared to the houses of your chart, using the whole sign house system. Houses describe different areas of your life, from your sense of self to your relationships with other people, your idea of community, to what you seek in solitude. 

Astrology is much more complicated than is widely discussed. While some of these personals horoscopes pertain to the transiting planets of 2022, they're mostly a rendering of what these signs seek in love and relationships.

Therefore If you don't know your rising sign you can also read these for your Venus (love language), Mars (sexual and anger style), or even your Moon (emotional needs)

Aries Rising
Building my eccentric queer utopia, ready to start laying the foundation
I live for a hot quickie, rougher the better. Wrestle me, fuck me in the middle of a fight, send me nudes all day then lay it on me. Generally I’m busy with work, hyper-motivated, and high energy. Looking for other active queerdos to build some type of utopia with. I am kinda private when it comes to spirituality. I have a personal relationship with source, and to me being spiritual feels like being embodied, doing meaningful work, being a leader in my field, and having raw sweaty sex. Down for whatever, let’s go to the protest and light shit on fire. I’m about action and support the people in my life fervently. I play rough but am an insecure baby deep down, and really just want someone to hold my head in their hands when I’m tired.

Taurus Rising
Trying to not fall into a hedonistic sex cult
Looking for opportunities to connect with like minded radical people who are serious about building long term sustainable community. Driven by what’s real: What kind of food can we grow and eat everyday? How seriously do you take your daily pleasure? How can we support each other and create conditions to grow? I love messy fucking, sucking, and eating. Make me lunch and let's eat it in bed. Wanna get dressed up, stay out for an hour tops, and rush back home to kiss and touch. Vampires/ biting fetishists welcome, spiritual thinkers into exploring slow drawn out tantric sex please apply. This world is too hectic to not indulge in a bit of hedonism everyday.

Gemini Rising
Cheating kink
Fae creature looking for fellows to do bad things with. I've been doing lots of inner work and shadow retrievals, examining my less conscious ways of existing, a psychic overhaul of sorts. But it is all about balance and we all need to have fun. I wanna have a nasty adventure we can sext about for weeks later, and explore how pleasure is political for us personally. How can our love for temporary escape inform how we are more present, open, and available to meaningful change. How can we shift our understanding of pleasure to infiltrate every little moment of our lives? Wanna go photograph spirits at the cemetery at night and then fuck there? Let’s engage with our neighbors and create a network of care. Seeking dirty story pen pals for potential real life reenactments.

Cancer Rising
Make me cry Mommy
Looking for a sultry demanding guardian to care for me tenderly and spank me when I’m naughty. I’m doing a lot of personal work on myself, growth, therapy, emotional regulation, and feel ready to apply these new skills to relationships. Hoping that doing my personal work will reverberate to community. I can show up when my cup is full. Lets read in bed together? Hold my insecurities like valuable data? Dream and adventure with me to places we aren’t supposed to be? Mostly I crave consistent companionship as I am a little moody. Can you bring the rock to my roll? I will laugh at your dad jokes if you fist me till I cry, and worship my tits.

Leo Rising
Shut the fuck up and pay me
I’m a delightful baby but only to the right person. Can I boss you around sexually until you take control and fuck me right? I’m trying lots of new things in my career, working on myself, and renegotiating what I need from relationships. Not seeking monogamy exclusively but open to it in time. For now what’s important is finding people consistent and ready to meet my needs as I am giving, loyal, and passionate. I also care about the underdog, I long to be a voice for amplifying the needs of underserved loved ones. My generosity is all encompassing. Need someone to tell you how fab you are daily? I have pretty toes. Have you always wanted to be with a rockstar?

Virgo Rising
Train me
I like being a piss slut, edge me and don’t let me cum for days. I’m looking for new lovers and wouldn’t mind being interviewed to be in your life. My everyday is full of seemingly endless tasks, some pertaining to my role in radical community building, but most are annoying to-do lists. Can I add being in service to you to that? Cock cage me and make me text you about it all day while I’m at work? Make me run your errands so I can cum. Mostly I want to be in divine sexual service. Let's radicalize our outer world in a way that feels real. Seeking friends to volunteer with, make meals for and care together. Longing for close companionships to aid and support me in my quest for self development, personal is political.

Libra Rising
Fuckable people only
Let's use our relationship to escape, we can create a fantasy world that only we know about. 24/7 role-play. I’m your doll, dress me up, fuck, and move my body where you want. Or maybe we pretend I’m married and you’re my side- piece, better not get caught! Saturn daddy is in my 5th house of fun, pleasure and creativity. It takes work and planning for me to have a good time this year, but I am slutty and believe in the power of being under-discerning. Relationship is revolutionary, we don’t have to fuck to be friends but can we have some shared hobbies? Want to be a in a 2 person book club? Lets just text poems back and forth into eternity… crush buddies who only cuddle. I wanna twirl in the possibilities of community building, to romanticize the mundane, be my date to the virtual fundraiser.

Scorpio Rising
Be my dog
In search of kinky freaks, the more devotional the better. I love oral. Put your mouth on me and I’ll make you cum so good you will wish we never met. Trying to unlearn my unhealthy attachment style, let’s meet up with no expectations, no pressure to be together forever. I’m stronger than my history of perceived betrayal and revenge fantasies. Jupiter in my lovemaking house is making me hard and wet, but for love and care. Can we ride the line between fantasy and planning our future together? Can our shared independent growth launch us into present moment penetration of mind-body-soul? I’ll “own” you if you “own” me. Ideally I want soul mate connections, and this isn’t limited to romance, but I will also take a fun romp with a determined, respectful, anti-binary baby who loves to give.

Sagittarius Rising
Deprivation tank situationships
This year is really about blissfully tapping into the recesses of my soul the only way I know how to- fun! I wanna dance baby. I’m looking for people to do experiential magic with, hallucinogenics, and freaked out fucked sexy time. Let’s spend the day liberating (stealing), redistributing through mutual aid, being bad, and the night disco dancing in our underwear. Casually falling in and out of sloppy fucking. Show off! If I leave you on read that means I like you. Ignore me back, be too busy, important, and popular and I will follow you to the edge of today.

Capricorn Rising
Anal devotee
Pragmatic parent type seeks fair fight for exploring the uncompromising pursuit of pleasure. Being in control all the time is hard, I want to loosen up but need help. Can I fuck your ass? Rim me? Tie me up and tease me until I put you in time out. Love making you work for it then not letting you cum. This year looks like learning for me, opening my embrace to unconditional self love, welcoming new friendships that are less formal and more spiritually valued. Can we kiss at the city council meeting? Wanna unlearn inherent biases together? Smart is so sexy, but broadening my definition to include emotional intelligence. We could be emotional accountability buddies, or just go to a museum masked.

Aquarius Rising
Impending dystopian doom, fuck the pain away
The experimental planet Uranus transiting my 5th house of babymaking is giving me a Venusian filled pleasure trip through kink. Let’s try things. Very into asserting my dominance as I’m being fucked hard by life. Who am I? Does any of this hard work matter? In roleplay I get to pretend to have control. Wanna get lost in fantasy at my local park at night? Hide and go seek suck fest. But in all seriousness, the way I see everything is transforming. I'm a chrysalis, longing for deep connections, glory holes, and most importantly pleasure as practice.

Pisces Rising
Be my god
There’s a devotional feeling to 2022, like I want to spend more time on my knees. The planet Jupiter in my house of self wishes to embody subordination. Seeking someone to worship to get this out of my system, cult role-play? Can I pray at your feet while you jerk off at my unworthiness? I’m driven by the unconditional love within me, and need a container or form to throw it at. Yeah I’m altruistic and charitable in my daily life, but seeking something mystically profane. Cock cage me, keep me, lust for my penance and I will loose myself in boundaried ways with you.